This is your captain speaking. Since the aircraft is in a steep dive, please assist the flight attendants with rolling the drink cart uphill. Capital Airlines is proving free drinks to calm your nerves.
As an aside folks, there have been three spontaneous remissions from hemorrhoids among passengers in the last few minutes. Sphincter muscles have affected these wondrous cures.
We are trying to provide a soft landing – but – but please, all trays in the upright position. Put you heads between you knees, and say after me, “Mr. Soros, who art on Wall Street, honored be thy name. I failed to heed your advice.”
My heavens, where did the right wing go? (pun intended).